The Importance of Trust with Cats

     

     This blog is especially dedicated to Grendel because his vet-given birthday is September 15th, and he is believed to be five years old. He received a new toy, tuna in water, Squeezables, cat nip and all the skritchies he could handle. 

     When I first decided I wanted a cat in my life, I started reading about cat ownership and understanding. That was thirteen years ago, and the big name for everything cats was Jackson Galaxy. He had a huge social media presence and a book, so I bought the Kindle version. It was a good idea. I learned the skills I needed to be a good cat parent even though I was completely new at it. 

     One concept has always stuck with me after all these years, and that's TRUST. It's something I observe between my cats and myself every day. I'm careful to adjust my behavior according to the boundaries of any cat I meet.  

     Because a small cat has the rare distinction of being both predator and prey, the rules are different for them. I suspect that people think cats are aloof, but actually they're PRETENDING not to care what you're doing as a defense mechanism. You might think they're asleep, or not paying attention, but watch their ears when you move or say their name.

     Any cat owner will tell you their cat doesn't fit the stereotype. That's because there is no true stereotype. A  relaxed cat that trusts the people around them is happy, playful and can be sociable. They walk with their tails straight up and shaped like a question mark.

     That's trust, and it's it's sacred to a cat. Jackson Galaxy said, in a nut shell, that a cat that doesn't trust you, cannot love you. In that order. It won't learn to love you first. Kitty needs to trust you.  I took that one as gospel and I see how it works in my house. 

     When we first got Freya, I made the mistake of picking her up while we were in the basement. She did not like that and expressed her displeasure by growling, wriggling out of my arms and swiping at me. Her mouth was open, showing me her teeth in a bad way. I didn't push it. I walked away from her slowly, using hushed tones and gentle speech. I gave her the space she needed. She came upstairs on her own and was okay with me again. 

     That day I learned that some cats don't like being picked up in dark enclosed spaces. Well, I almost learned. I made the same mistake with Spartacus, and he responded by placing his mouth over my eye socket. He didn't bite or fight, but the message was clear. I don't do that anymore. 

     A friend recently asked me how I won Amir over. I was worried about this shy, skittish cutie that frequented our yard, so I started feeding him. I kept my distance, but often stayed to stand guard over him in case someone or something tried to chase him away from his food. I'd sit on the step and keep my eye contact and speech to a minimum. I gave him space and waited to see if he'd come to me. Sometimes they will, often they won't, especially feral cats. I had to move slowly. Any sudden moves and Amir would yelp and jump backwards. Then I'd have to back up and leave. 

     I still remember the day he came up to sit on the step with me. The sun was setting, and it shone right into those bright yellow eyes of his. I considered calling him Helios, because of the way his eyes shone in the dying light. I put my hand out and let him sniff it. Unfortunately, he didn't rub up against my fingers and ask for pets. He did lay beside me for awhile, and that was good enough. Trust needs to be earned. 

     Here are two signs that your cat loves and trusts you. 

1. The slow blink. It's a cat's way of saying, "I can close my eyes, knowing you won't attack me."

2. Showing the tummy. Cat's way of saying, "This is the most vulnerable part of my body. I'm showing it as a demonstration of my trust in you. I know you won't attack it." (That's why you NEVER touch it.) 

     But every cat has other ways of showing trust. 

     Amir shows me his tummy often, and I take care not to abuse touching privileges, even when brushing. I can pick him up and hold him, even though he's a stray I've known less than a year. He is perfectly relaxed in my arms, and will tilt his head up into my face for kisses. 

     I see Freya's trust in the way she cuddles. She prefers to be cradled like a baby, tummy exposed. She knows I have a solid grip on her, and I won't drop her or touch her stomach. She feels free to bury her face in my armpit and fall asleep. I LOVE it when she falls asleep in my arms. 

     While Grendel doesn't approach me for affection very much, I know he loves me too. He often likes to sleep on the bed, all sprawled out. He's irresistible and I need to kiss him. He lets me. I announce myself quietly, before I bend down, maybe stroke his fur, and I kiss him on his cheek, side, head, wherever. Sometimes he'll stretch or yawn, but he never flinches or startles. Doesn't even opens his eyes. He knows it's me and all I want is to give him a kiss or two. He's a chill cat, and he's demonstrating his trust in me.

     My favorite thing that he does is when he lifts his head with his eyes closed, asking for Nose Pets. He sits with his mouth hanging open, enjoying the sensation of my finger stroking his nose, up to his forehead until he stretches out so I can scritch his neck under his collar. He keeps his eyes shut the entire time, directing my fingers by turning his head to where he wants to be scratched. He vibrates with pleasure and I feel loved. This is how Dan's cat bonds with me, and I give him lovins' until he puts his head back down and goes back to sleep. Pure trust. 

     Here's another morsel I learned from Jackson Galaxy that also applies in a small way. Some cats hate to be picked up. Grendel certainly does. The only time Grendel was okay to be picked up was when his leg was broken, but otherwise, he'll struggle until you put him down. 

     So I simply don't pick him up unnecessarily. I like to think we have an understanding. Grendel is not a cuddler, so I do not pick him up for cuddles. Grendel is a smart boy, and I think he's realized that if I pick him up, it is for good reason and I won't hold him longer than I must. He has stopped fighting me. He endures the indignity well enough now, but is much happier with all four feet on the ground. 

     I learned from Jackson Galaxy that you CAN train a cat that doesn't like to be held, to stay in your arms and allow themselves to be held. This worked with Spartacus. He didn't care for being held much either. The trick is: You can pick them up and hold them, but when they ask to be let go, you must do so. This also builds trust. Spartacus sometimes let me hold him for extended amounts of time, and I believe it was because he wanted to bond with me in way I wanted, and because he knew I would release him any time he wanted. 

     I believe trust is the recipe for a good relationship and good cats. I always promised I would never shout or swat. I don't use a spray bottle. When they scratch my couch, I just say, "Hey...What doing?" And they give me the eyes. Grendel knows I will pick him up and move him if he doesn't stop. I speak to them in soft voices and I don't play pranks or frighten them for my amusement. I try not to play too rough. I've learned how they tell me 'No' and respect those boundaries.  

Building trust with my cats is so important to me, and I do believe it is the basis for an excellent relationship. 

Happy Birthday to my sweet Grendel. It's been a pleasure getting to know and love you. Thanks for putting your faith in us. I love you more with each passing day.